An Australian Adventure

My whole body trembled and sweat poured down my face as I walked up the stairs at the Stamford Plaza Hotel in Sydney, Australia on 7 March 2024. My head was buzzing with nerves and excitement. It marked the first day of Neuro Transformation Therapy, the training that I had traveled all the way across the world for. At the top of the stairs, 110 unknown faces awaited me, along with one familiar face that I had only seen on Zoom. 

I always said that someday, I would go to Australia to fulfill my lifelong dream of hugging a koala. So when my other plans for this year were suddenly cancelled, I decided to turn "someday" into "now". Only to quickly realise how little I know about Australia. The visa requirements and the sheer vastness of the continent took me by surprise, and much to my dismay, I learned that holding koalas in New South Wales is illegal.

Nevertheless, I happily boarded a long flight to Sydney, arriving one week before the NTT event. As I navigated customs, my sister's warnings about Australia’s strict border control echoed in my mind and when a security guard waved me in a direction where no one else was going, I swallowed loudly. Would I be fined for the chewing gum and aspirin in my bag, or denied entry for some unexpected reason? Luckily, he led me towards an exit, where friendly blokes and sheilas greeted me with "G'day darling." 

Hoping to defy jetlag, I immediately went for a long walk, taking in the large city and strangely feeling at home. With six months of winter behind me, I eagerly soaked up the sunshine, and then finally, I saw it - The Opera House, as white as my skin, shining brightly against the blue sky. I had to pinch myself several times to make sure I was awake. As the sun slowly set, the hustle and bustle continued, with people strolling around and live music filling the air. 

Sydney Opera House

Sydney Harbour Bridge

The next morning, I crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge, which reminded me a lot a of the Brooklyn Bridge in New York. After the walk, I sat down at a French café to devour a delicious galette, which fuelled me with enough energy to continue my stroll through the beautiful Botanical Garden. Despite my fears, the only "spider" I saw in Australia was the large bronze statue outside the art museum. And I only saw one snake, a live one up in the mountains. I did see many, many bin chickens though (a local name for the Ibis birds that use their long beaks to pick up food from bins).

My third day was one of pure bliss as I finally got to meet the koalas. Not only that, my guide had an arrangement with the family-run farm so we could enter before other visitors to help feed the animals. The biggest smile spread across my face as I saw their cute little eyes and soft leathery noses. We were also allowed to play with the adorable wallabies and kangaroos, who enjoyed a firm belly rub when they weren't too busy munching on grass or surveying something in the distance. 

Koalas

Kangaroos

After the wildlife park, we visited other areas south of Sydney, such as Wollongong and Morton National Park, and despite the windy and foggy weather that day, I fell in love with the coastal towns framed by mountains. Believe it or not, they looked exactly like the places I see when I visualise my dream future! The tour ended with a wine tasting at a local vineyard where I enjoyed meeting and chatting with other travellers. 

Somewhere along the way...

The following day, my friend from Canberra joined me for an exploration of Newtown, where we discovered the stories behind the exquisite murals and tasted food from all over the world. I really enjoyed digging into some vegan gluten-free tacos at a Mexican restaurant, while Mark preferred the meat pies at a local café. Our favourite, however, was a Turkish ice-cream with a sticky bubblegum texture and a strong rosewater flavour. 

In the evening, we were warned about a thunderstorm and considered canceling our tour to the mountains, but fortunately, we didn't as the clouds passed over night and we ended up having a gorgeous day in the Blue Mountains. The smell of the eucalyptus trees reminded me so much of Ecuador and the breathtaking views and cascading waterfalls filled my soul with joy. 

With my friend Mark

The Blue Mountains

Mural in Newtown

As if hiking in the mountains wasn't enough exercise, I embarked on a coastal walk from Bondi to Bronte the next day. Arriving at Bondi beach, Australia's most famous beach, was a surreal moment. Seeing the massive waves rolling in, the suntanned bodies, the surfers, the lifeguards and the warning signs for dangerous currents made me feel like I was in a movie. The coastal walk was extremely picturesque, with spectacular views at every turn. 

Bondi Beach

Coastal walk

Before I knew it, the week had flown by, and it was time to ascend the stairs at the Stamford Plaza, unaware that every other person there was just as nervous as I was. Yet within hours, we were high-fiving and hugging one another, helping each other through transformative exercises and staying side by side for 12 hours a day, taking in every word from our teacher Luke Hawkins.

Towards the end of the last day, I could barely stand nor keep my eyes open. My body was exhausted. But when my name was called, I danced my way up on the stage and my new friends clapped and cheered, just as loudly as I did for them. We made it! We healed ourselves, so that we can go out and heal others. We showed up, daring to be vulnerable and we took risks, desperately craving the rewards.

Two weeks after my Australian adventure, I still catch myself wondering if it was just a dream. The truth is that reality may not always align with our expectations. Reality is a little messier, a lot sweatier, a bit more awkward, more intense, more colourful, and way more fun. If we can overcome our fears, our doubts and our limiting beliefs, then we can unlock the potential for an extraordinary life. Even if it includes encountering a couple of bin chickens along the way.

 

With the legendary Lukes of Australia

Australia's most hated bird?

From black hole to shining star

On June 11th at 11:11 a.m., a stranger messaged me. The universe must have known that, on June 12th, I would have a meltdown, and the one who would help me rise again was the person whose name had just popped up on my phone.

For the first six months of this year, I would wake up every morning wishing I didn’t exist. January 1st brought devastating news that shook my family, and I ended up seeking solace from a situation that had already shattered my confidence for far too long. On top of that, I was juggling two jobs and trying to be an entrepreneur yet somehow, my finances never seemed stable.

As winter crept towards spring, I sank deeper into darkness. Anxiety filled my chest and at an alarming pace, PTSD-symptoms such as panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares returned to my life. Still, I kept thinking: “If I can just make it for one more day, one more week, one more month, then everything will be alright.” I kept practicing gratitude and feverishly repeated affirmations, but nothing worked.

Then came June 12th, and everything crashed. My spirit was broken, and I knew that something had to change. Fortunately, the summer holidays were just around the corner so I escaped to Madeira, where I hiked to the highest mountain and slowly started picking up the pieces. As the fog of past events lifted, the stranger who had messaged me earlier came into focus.

By now, I knew that his name was Luke and that he lived in Australia. I knew he liked the colour green and shared my passion for hiking. I also learned that he had gone through past struggles not unlike my own. We had a clarity call to see if his coaching would be right for me and despite my initial hesitation, I was struck by his genuine compassion.

I asked the universe for a sign, and for the rest of my holidays, the name Luke rained over me. In every book I read and every movie I watched, there was a character named Luke. If I listened to a podcast, there was a guest named Luke. If I discovered a new song, it would be sung by an artist called Luke (or Luca). I even saw his name written on a lamp post! The message was loud and clear.

Once I returned home, Luke offered me another clarity call and the next day, I sent him all the money I had at the time. My friends were skeptical. “What if he hypnotises you and then switches off the computer and you stay hypnotised forever?” one of them worried. “Don’t give him any information!” another one advised.

But I knew that if this was going to work, I would have to trust Luke completely. I would have to be brave, and vulnerable. My decision was not based on reviews or referrals, or even logic (in hindsight, I could have done more research). It was pure intuition. I was fully committed, ready and desperate to change my life.

And so Luke and I embarked on a 6-week quantum transformation journey, including timeline therapy and reprogramming of the subconscious mind, delving into traumas and underlying blocks. One by one, we cleared out negative emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt and guilt, and rewired my nervous system for positive emotions. We removed negative beliefs and installed new empowered beliefs.

The rapid changes were astonishing, and newfound joy fuelled my motivation. Luke sent me six digital courses to work on in between our sessions and after just a few weeks, I had gone through them all, surprised to discover that I had become extremely interested in neuroscience. Engrossed, I devoured any information I could find and filled notebook after notebook.

About halfway through, I unexpectedly fell back into the black hole that I thought I had expanded from. Only this time, I managed to crawl out of it myself and found that I could stand firmly on my own two feet. That’s when I knew that something fundamental had shifted.

The coaching program was not an easy process for me. There were days when I didn’t show up as my best self and there were days when I wanted to quit because there were past events that I didn’t dare to revisit. There were times when I felt embarrassed, and there were times when I felt lost in between sessions. There were, however, more moments when I felt truly connected, and I experienced profound love and happiness. No matter what, I kept going, knowing Luke would always be there to support me.

Step by step, my spirit began to heal. These days, I wake up excited to do yoga and see what else the day brings. I haven’t had a panic attack in months, and my sleep is no longer interrupted by nightmares. I can breathe more easily, and for the first time in my life, I feel safe and at home in my body. My confidence has improved and I feel more comfortable being myself. I worry less about what other people think and focus more on creating my own path.

I have learned how to set boundaries, proving that I can stand up for myself and make the right decisions. I now understand that it is not my job to protect others from facing the consequences of their own actions. I have found a strength inside myself that I never knew I had.

I have gone from feeling burned out at work to showing up each day full of energy. I feel a lot more comfortable in my teacher role, whether it’s teaching languages, dance or yoga. In January, all my yoga courses were canceled, but when I offered them again in August, they sold out within an hour!

Two years ago, I published my first book, which was followed by imposter syndrome and writer’s block. Now, I’m writing every day again, which feels fantastic. I have set new goals for the future and I’m excitedly taking steps towards them. My motto is “I’m happy in the present moment, and I allow good things to come to me.”

At 42, I feel like life is just beginning. This experience has inspired me so much that I have even decided to study hypnotherapy for a year. Perhaps helping others is the best way to thank the no-longer stranger who popped into my life and changed everything for the better.

Between heaven and earth, the ocean and the sky

Flower island, pearl of the Atlantic, the Hawaii of Europe... the volcanic island of Madeira goes by many names, and this is what drew me to venture here for a week at the beginning of July. While usually offering a mild climate all year round, Madeira's weather can be unpredictable. "You will get rained on," my guide book said and sure enough, as the plane descended, the raindrops danced on the windows.

Madeira's allure, however, extends far beyond idyllic sunbathing and leisurely swims. In fact, most of the beaches here are made of pebbles so if you're looking for sandy stretches, you may want to head to the nearby island of Porto Santo, where sand has been imported from the Sahara desert. Not a typical beach enthusiast, I had instead planned a holiday filled with activities, from climbing volcanoes and swimming in secluded lagoons to diving with dolphins and learning how to surf.

My main goal was to conquer Pico Ruivo, the highest peak in Madeira at 1,861 meters above sea level. Two days after my arrival on the island, a guide picked me up at 5 a.m. and we drove up the mountains to witness a breathtaking sunrise above the clouds. From Pico do Arieiro, our starting point, we hiked along steep trails to reach the top. Not used to the altitude and the heat, I ran out of steam fairly quickly. Nevertheless, I persisted, putting one foot in front of the other, ascending what is often referred to as "the stairway to heaven."

While the stunning scenery was certainly rewarding, it wasn't enough motivation for me. To persevere with heatstroke and aching joints, I had to tap into my inner strength, my Finnish "sisu." What also helped was seeing butterflies gracefully flutter around me throughout the hike. These insects bring so much colour, lightness and joy. As symbols of powerful transformation, they also remind us to welcome change without trying to control the outcome. At the end of our journey, we will inevitably emerge different than when we started. 

Unaware of how challenging the hike would be, I had booked a surfing lesson for the next morning. So after only a few hours of sleep, I headed towards Machico beach to meet Roberto, the surf instructor. We began with dry land practice, honing our technique before plunging into the water. "Only one thing is certain," Roberto said. "You will fall." And fall I did, over and over again. But each time, I crawled back up on the surfboard and paddled out to wait patiently for the next wave to arrive. Eventually, I started to make progress and managed to stand up for shorter moments. 

"Believe in yourself!" Roberto shouted as he gave my surfboard a push. "This wave has been waiting its whole life for you to ride it. The only thing worse than falling would be not trying." Encouraged by his words, I gave it my all and in doing so, wholeheartedly fell in love with the practice of surfing and everything that it entails. It may have been my first lesson, but it will definitely not be my last. I can't wait to return to the ocean, catch more waves and immerse myself in the joy of surfing.

Staying in our comfort zone is not how we learn. Hence, for my next day of adventure, I impulsively booked a tour with Joao, a guide known for his spontaneous approach. "I never make plans," he texted me beforehand, "so you should be prepared for anything." He picked me up at 7 a.m. and off we went, driving along the winding roads of Madeira. A native of the island, Joao brought me to mesmerising waterfalls, hidden away from the crowds. We swam in the crater of a dormant volcano, walked along the ancient levadas (irrigation channels), hiked up a mountain and all in all, had an enchanting day. Twelve hours later, I arrived back at my apartment, utterly exhausted but deeply content with a sense of fulfilment in my soul. 

As a final adventure, I signed up for a dolphin and whale watching tour with seven fellow travellers. Early morning found us huddled together on a tiny speedboat, ready to embark on our ocean quest. "Look for birds," our guide Natascha advised us. "Where there are birds, there will be fish and where there is prey, there will be predators." Far away from the shore, a flock of birds started circling our boat and soon after, dolphins were jumping all around us. What a delight! One by one, we were instructed to slowly and silently glide into the water, clinging to a rope attached to the boat and breathing through a snorkel. 

I waited my whole life to swim with dolphins in the ocean, and the initial moments of my experience were absolutely incredible. Then, the dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks in the head, leaving me gasping for air. I tried gesturing to the people on the boat, but no one noticed as they were all too mesmerised by the ballet of sea creatures. Panicking, I hit the side of the boat and Natascha finally pulled my shaking body out of the water. "You have vertigo," she said gently. "Sometimes the depth can trigger it. Give it another try and I'll stay close to you this time." With her reassurance, I put on the goggles, grabbed the rope, slid back into the water and swam behind the dolphins while Natascha held onto my wrist. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered, beaming as she helped me climb back onto the boat. 

A mixture of pride and relief washed over me. I felt dizzy and nauseous for the rest of the day, but seeing the beauties of the ocean was definitely worth it. 

On this trip, I came to a profound realisation - embarking on adventures is as essential for me as breathing. I may not know what the road ahead looks like, nor am I sure of my destination, but I'm willing to embrace the uncertainty and take chances. The path is never linear, nor is it ever entirely smooth. There will be moments of rain, and there will be times when I stumble and fall. But I never feel more alive than on top of a mountain or far out in the ocean. These experiences serve as a reminder of how insignificantly small we may seem, and yet how remarkable and interconnected we are. In the words of 13th-century poet Rumi: "we are not mere drops in the ocean, but the entire ocean in one drop."

Passport Full of Dreams - A travel journal turned into a survival story

It's finally here!

I have put my whole heart into writing this book and I hope that it will bring my readers joy (along with a few tears) and perhaps encourage more people to share their own story. 

My self-help memoir is about traveling, adventure and yoga, falling in love, falling apart, falling down and rising back up.

It would mean the absolute world to me if you wanted to read the book. Part of the royalties will be donated to organisations that support mental health and/or education for young people in Ecuador. 

Please leave a comment or reach out me through social media if you would like to buy a copy.

 

Passport Full of Dreams - A travel journal turned into a story of survival

May you go further than the stars

It was always my dream to do the pilgrim walk to Santiago de Compostela so, when the leaders of my hiking group sent out an invitation to walk the last part of the Camiño de Santiago Portugués, I immediately accepted. There was no time to prepare, but after years of dreaming, I was more than ready for this challenge.

The adventure began with a twelve-hour car ride from southern Andalusia to Tui in northern Spain, our starting point close to the Portuguese border. Twelve hours in a van with a group of Sevillanos, all of us wearing our face masks of course. Spaniards are known to speak faster than bullets leave machine guns and the decibel of their speech has been recorded as one of the highest in the world, which may be why life in Spain often reminds me of a book title by Jonathan Safran Foer: Extremely loud and incredibly close. 

Only when we arrived at our first hostel did one of the women that I was sharing a room with say to the other: "Turn down the volume, please - we're in Galicia now."

Our first hostel had a pool,
which was heaven after a long day of hiking

Start of the Camino

Our first encounter was with a Gypsy woman wailing on the side of the road as we drove through a small Portuguese town. We didn't speak her language so the villagers explained that today was the day of her husband's funeral, he had committed suicide a week earlier and left her here on their doorstep with his pain. I tried to look into her eyes but she saw nothing and heard no one; even surrounded by people eager to console, she was alone with her grief and somehow, she will have to move on and find a new normal. 

On our first day of walking, I started thinking about what I need to be happy, and I came to the conclusion that I really don't need much. I certainly don't need many material things - of all the clothes I brought for the Camino, I could have done just as well with half. The lighter the backpack, the easier the walk.

Along the path, there are many messages and signs and one that you will see everywhere is the Latin word Ultreia, which means "May you go further than the stars." Amongst poetry painted on walls and hearts carved into trees, we came across a yellow and blue pair of shoes with a sign saying: "Yo hago Camino, NO maratón - I'm doing the walk, NOT a marathon." The path is the destination, hence there is no need to run towards the finish line. There should always be enough time to take a break, enjoy the surroundings, gaze at the goats, swim in the waterfalls, and watch the stars at night.

After a few days, I felt comfortable enough to let go of the need to engage in conversation all the time. Sometimes, I would walk by myself, other times in silence with someone next to me. Occasionally, an interesting topic would come up and we would walk and talk until we were out of breath. However, I also learned the skill of tuning out from the incessant chatter around me and tuning in to the sounds of nature instead. Whenever my mind would wander too far off the path, something would happen to bring my attention back, like when we were drawn into the forest by the enchanting music coming from two bagpipers standing behind a stone cross.

 

One of my biggest challenges was being hungry most of the time. On the second day, I only ate a small salad, which led to feeling weak and unmotivated on the third day. The hostels we stayed at served a good breakfast and during the walk, I would munch on dried fruit and nuts, but as much as we were moving, it wasn't enough. I hadn't realized that finding gluten-free vegan food would be so complicated in Galicia, or else perhaps I would have prepared differently.

On the other hand, there were other things that I had unnecessarily worried about before the trip, such as getting lost. The Camino is very well marked, all you have to do is follow the signs. Not having the right clothes was also a concern, just like blisters, sore legs, or a possible arthritis flare-up, none of which happened even though I didn't even have proper hiking shoes. I did the whole walk in my Nike trainers and it was absolutely fine.

Obviously, we considered the risks of Covid-19, but we mostly stayed within our group, wearing face cover and maintaining distance. I feel much safer up in the mountains than out on the streets anyway. Sunburn and fatigue are also valid issues to keep in mind and there were definitely moments, even days when I didn't want to put one foot in front of the other anymore. To keep going, I would think of something a Finnish war veteran said when he visited my school long ago: "You'll be surprised at how far you can walk after you think you can't walk anymore."

In total, we walked 120 kilometers in six days. In order to get the official stamp and certificate, you need to walk at least 100 kilometers but, certificate in hand, I can assure you that this is not what the Camino is about. What matters more is reflecting, pushing your limits, finding something beautiful inside yourself, and learning from the people that you meet along the way. 

They say that on the Camino, you will never walk alone. I experienced this through God's powerful presence, as churches and crosses are everywhere, but we also crossed paths with some interesting characters, for example, an elderly woman in a green bikini and a golden cross, who was feeding a goose on the beach. She told us that the bird's name was Chris, he's about six years old and she loves him more than her dog.

At a café by the side of the road, we met a man in his 80s with three golden crosses around his neck, selling charms in the shape of cats and shells. "Why does one have to die at 100?" he asked. "Can't they create one of those app things to make us live until 120?" His eyes sparkled as he made us laugh and buy more of his jewelry.  

There was also a woman in her forties walking the Camino on her own and we immediately bonded as it turned out that she was a language teacher like me and about to start a yoga teacher training, too. Then there was a wrinkly Portuguese man with a feathered cane walking in the opposite direction as well as two Australian dudes slowly limping and smoking their way forward on the path. 

On the last day, I walked mostly on my own until another group of Sevillanos caught up with me at a crossroads where I had stopped, unsure of which way to choose. "Are you afraid of us?" they laughed behind their masks, nudging me with their elbows and using silly voices to ask me for a picture. A group of guys in their thirties, they were convinced it doesn't matter whether you go left or right so I followed them to the left. We chatted as we entered the city of Santiago de Compostela together and they asked me about my ambitions in life. 

Reaching the cathedral is one ambition that I have now completed. As I stood there looking up, surrounded by new friends, I thought of all the other pilgrims who have come before me, and those who have yet to arrive. I thought of how one adventure is really just the beginning of another, and how many of us choose different paths in life or advance at a different speed than others, yet eventually, we reach the same destination. After all, as spiritual teacher Ram Dass observed: "We are all just walking each other home."

In front of the Cathedral in Santiago de Compostela

Waves of change

"Ellie, deja que la vida fluye," my Ecuadorian friend W always says to me. Let life flow. I agree with him but as we all know, it's not so easy to let go of control. Before I left my home in Quito, I wrote a post about feeling like I was drowning and a friend that I met in Thailand many years ago commented: "You will float, you will float, you will float". She wasn't wrong and her comment became my mantra whenever I felt myself sinking again, but I don't think she or anyone else could have imagined that it would take two whole years before I would once again trust the ocean enough to stop treading water and just... float. 

It wasn't until I actually went out into the real ocean a couple of weeks ago that I realized I've finally let go of the fight. I have stopped resisting the natural flow of things.

I was on a tour with a group of hikers and setting off in the beautiful hippie paradise called Caños de Meca, we hiked towards the coastal town of Barbate, stopping several times along the way to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Towards the end of our hike, I walked out into the water alone, distancing myself from the group. Out in the deep blue sea, I stretched out my arms and my legs to float on the waves, something I literally hadn't done for years. I have mostly gone to Finland in the winter and last summer, my only contact with water was freezing my toes off in the Atlantic ocean outside Portugal. The beaches in Ecuador are outstanding but there, the waves were too big to swim.

As I was floating around in the crystal blue water, I noticed that all the spaces in my body that used to be filled with something or someone now somehow seemed hollow. I also felt small, in a good way. We are but tiny drops in a vast ocean of uncertainty, but if we move with the waves of change, we may eventually end up where we are supposed to be. 

Due to the Covid-19 situation around the world, I am currently without a job and need to leave my apartment at the end of this month, without knowing where to go or what to do next. That's the thing about floating - it's basically drifting around with no destination.

What I take with me from Seville is a strong sense of community. I have always found support here, whether it's been in the form of friends, fellow hikers, yogis, colleagues, roommates, partners, or my church family. I have reached out for help and equally so, I have been the one to hold out a hand when someone needed me. For my first yoga class, I created a new mantra for myself and my students: I am safe. I am supported. I am loved. 

At the moment, I feel like circles are closing. I recently bought my last monthly pass at the yoga studio that has been like a second home to me for a year. Two months in Seville turned into twelve as I decided to stay and complete a yoga teacher training here and I have no regrets. Never have I dedicated so much effort into something that turned out to be equally rewarding. During the course, I came to understand that the true essence of yoga has very little to do with asanas; it is more about connecting to the breath, finding balance and recognizing the truth within ourselves. I learned how to awaken my senses, surrender to what is, and perhaps most importantly, to experience joy again. 

Even though there are some things, and some people, that I will probably never be able to let go of, I do feel like I have dropped some heavyweights and let them sink to the bottom. I no longer cling to anything or anyone, instead, I try to let things be and go with the flow. I now understand that acting often comes from a place of kindness whereas reacting is based on hurt. Using our breath to center ourselves can help us make a conscious choice between the two. 

If I wanted to label my experiences over the past three years, I could call them illness, shock, betrayal, anxiety, depression, distorted reality, grief, loss, posttraumatic stress... or I could turn things around and name them lessons in love, vulnerability and fear, overcoming, building courage, improving my health, healing and moving on.

The real question is, what happens if we drop all the labels? What remains? 

Maybe the best all of us can do this year is just to keep our heads above water. If we can remain above the surface and keep breathing, I think that is enough.

New beginnings

It is the start of a new decade and I have really enjoyed my friends' social media posts comparing their pictures from ten years ago to what their life looks like today. 

Yet I haven't felt any need to reciprocate. 

I don’t want to look back, nor do I want to look forward. I only want to be here and now. I don’t remember where I was a decade ago and it no longer matters. I know exactly where I was two years ago, however, and that is enough. I was in the hospital. In pain. Feeling terrified. And I also know where I am now. On a train. Moving forward. Feeling safe(r). I have come a long way.

As I watch the snow-covered landscape go by, I think of what my Spanish friends asked me before I left Seville to go home for the holidays: "Vas a tu tierra? Are you going back to your land, the earth that you came from?" 

Snow yoga

Yes. This is where I grew up, in this freezing country in the north. Where the winters are long and dark, and the summers are warm and bright. The country of the northern lights and the midnight sun. Where the moods change with the seasons and people show love through actions, not words. Where women can be presidents, prime ministers, and pastors. Where there is no reason to fear the wind because the roots are strong and there is freedom to fly.

"Where are you going now?" My friends in Finland want to know in which direction I'm headed. "I don’t know," I respond honestly with a shrug. I believe that as I continue to move forward, the path will reveal itself. My New Years' resolution is simply to be here and now. Aquí, ahora. 

The only goal I have for this year is to finish the yoga teacher training that I started in October and that will keep me in Seville at least until the end of June. So far, every idea or expectation that I had of the course beforehand has turned out to be wrong, yet I'm loving every minute of it. It is giving me what I need, not what I thought I wanted and even though it seems to be changing something deep within, I can feel that it is also grounding me and bringing me back to myself. 

"This course found you," my yoga teacher said and I think she’s right. Her comment made me think of how many years I have spent searching without even knowing what I am looking for. After my great adventures in South America, I was so lost that I had to spend a year in hiding just to recover. 2020, therefore, seems like a good time to step back out into the light and let more things and people find me.

If 2018 was the year I nearly drowned then 2019 was the year I learned to stay afloat. 2020 might be the year I finally learn how to ride the waves. How to dive right in and deal with the highs and the lows. How to observe the ebbs and the flows and appreciate the beauty in every season. 

20 + 20 = 40. This is my last year as a thirty-something. The only name left on the list of places I want to see before I turn forty is Machu Pichu in Peru. I have exactly one year and one month to save up and start the journey so I might make it, but even if I don’t, it will be okay. As seasons change, so do dreams and wishes. 

A new decade. A new season. A new circle begins. It reminds me of what the French say when they haven’t seen someone in a long time: "Qu’est-ce que tu deviens?" It is a way of asking how someone is, what is new in their life and what they have been doing lately but it literally means “What are you becoming?” I like it. Not where have you been nor where are you going. Just here and now: What are you becoming? 

Sunset in Vaasa, Finland