Friday, May 26, 2017

How to be Ecuadorian

Suddenly, it's day 335 and almost a year has gone by since I first arrived in this enchanted land on the equator. I've learned a lot since then so here are some of my best tips for living and loving life in Ecuador.

NB - this post may contain portions of sarcasm. 

1. Eat a lot of rice. Have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you can. Half a plate is not enough, always ask for more. However, keep in mind that you must eat your rice plain - adding spices is not allowed. 

2. Eat soup for lunch. As a starter, before your plate of rice. Do not eat soup at any other times of the day as this will immediately give you away as a non-Ecuadorian. Stare disapprovingly at ignorant foreigners eating soup for dinner. 

3. Be feminine. As a woman, it's important to always look your best. On this side of the world, that means growing your hair long, getting manicures and wearing high heels. Do your make-up on the bus. Stay in amazing shape. Somehow manage this on a diet of rice and sugary treats combined with no exercise.

4. Kiss everyone you meet. On the cheek, that is. And only one kiss on one cheek (the right one), mind you. Remember that you are in South America. We don't kiss on both cheeks here. Kiss everyone in the room to say hello and also goodbye. It doesn't matter if there are only two minutes in between. Kiss-kiss.

5. Make people wait. Endlessly. Of course they can take five hours out of their day to hang at the visa office. Take your time. Google things until the line gets a little bit longer. Then take a lunch break. Walk out slowly. Come back an hour later and google some more. When invited to a party that starts at 9 p.m., do not arrive before 11 p.m. The fun doesn't start until you are there anyway, does it?

6. Be vague. Whether positive or negative, do not tell people directly how you feel. This must be avoided at all costs. Expect people to understand what you want from them. Of course they can read your mind.

7. Experience emotions. Feel things very strongly. Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster that is not unlike a road trip up and down the Andean mountains. Just beware - once you're on it, there's no getting off.

8. Live on the wild side. If you're the one driving the bus, feel free to decorate your vehicle with proverbs and huge posters of Jesus or Virgin Mary. Play your music loudly, preferably reggaeton. Compete with other bus-drivers. Slow down at bus stops but do not stop completely. Let passengers jump on and off - it's more fun that way. 

9. Push people on the Ecovia. The fuller the bus, the more force you must use. It does not matter if you're carrying a guitar, a baby or a giant box of donuts. Getting on the bus is a matter of life and death and staying at the platform is the END OF THE WORLD.

10. Enjoy comfort. If you can afford it, buy a car. Drive everywhere. Complain constantly about the traffic and the pollution. Honk your horn often. 

11. Use diminutives (-ito,-ita) for everything and everyone. If your friend's name is Anna, call her Anita. If something is worth one dollar (un dólar), why not say it costs a little dollar (un dolarito) instead. Sounds way cheaper and cuter, doesn't it? To really fit in with the locals, add no más - no more. For example:
- How much does it cost?          - Un dolarito no más.
- How long will you be gone?    - Un ratito no más. 
12. Get up close and personal. Invade people's personal space and ask them intimate questions. Tell single foreigners to hurry up and marry an Ecuadorian.

13. Be incredibly kind to strangers. Treat foreigners so well that they never want to leave. 

14. Love passionately. Love your family. Love nature. Love God. Love soccer. Love Ecuadorian food. Love salsa. Dance!

15. Climb a volcano. Hike the mountains, enjoy the beach and get lost in the jungle. Believe in the power of magical plants and ancient shamans. Make sure you enjoy every single detail of this mysterious, miraculous, marvelous place in the middle of the world.

Do not pay a dolarito to ride a lama. Especially when you're actually afraid of them.